Greetings, my fellow port swillers!

So it seems that the Disney Death Star may be tractoring Mark Hamill in to reprise his role as Luke Skywalker in the new series of Star Wars sequels.  I can just see it:

Eh?  Who was on the com link?  Oh, it was just the kids again, calling from the Academy.  How were they? Pah! Same as usual! Bitch, bitch, bitch!  Moan, moan, moan!  Gimme, gimme, gimme!

“The Next Hope.”  “The New Generation.” Feh!  Why, if the Temple had been stocked with kids like that when Dad came to clean house that time, Yoda’d have held his coat and cheered him on!  By the Great Will-Obeying Midi-Chlorians! I know I was a hay-seed dope when I was a kid, but these guys?  If we’d had to rely on their type back then, Yavin would have a dust ring where our old base used to orbit!  Hoth would be known as the central supply base for the Empire’s snow-cone monopoly!  Hell, we’d still be wandering lost in the Endoran woods and all them damned Ewoks would be throw-rugs in the Emperor’s dacha!  

Well, okay, I gotta admit that last part wouldn’t have been so bad….

Still….Dang whippersnappers!  Spoiled as garbage-masher bait and shifty as Jawas!  In my day, I did three times the training they did..after milking a hundred tauntauns and marching thirty miles through the snow-covered swamps of Dagobah!  Uphill!  Both ways!

But just listen to ’em!

“Daddy, the reason I’m failing Force 201 is because my Jedi Master won’t let me express myself!”

 “Dad, could you send me some more credits?  Like real soon?  You see, my ‘friend’ Jabba, Jr., needs them – it has to do with this dead cert for the 3:00 speeder race that kinda came unstuck……

 “Dad, what did Aunt Leia do with that slave girl costume, again?”  (‘History project’ my bionic hand!)

By Chewie’s Beard!  I tell ya, it’s like their collective ego is one giant black hole, sucking everything else in the galaxy right into it!  And where does it get us?  Are we turning out model Jedi?  Hell, no!  Of course not!  Hit the side of a planet with a Death Star ray?  Why, they  couldn’t hit their own asses with both hands and a light-saber!  If the ghost of Jar-Jar Binks came back at the head of an army of teletubbies and smurfs, he’d clean the Republic’s clock in less than a week!  And good riddance, I says!

May the Great Unspecified, Vaguely-Deistic Maker help us!  I oughta get my lawyer on the com RIGHT NOW and change my will to give everything to that home for displaced Sand People!  In fact, I think I’ll do just that…….

Uh, hey, wait….what’s going on out there!  Gol-durn it, it’s them dang Boba-Fettlings messing around again!  HEY, YOU KIDS!  GIT OFF’N MY HYPERLAWN!

I’d almost pay money to watch this.

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