Greetings, my fellow port swiller and Happy Halloween! (Ol’ Robbo is posting this a day early because tomorrow night he plans to ignore the doorbell, hide in the basement, and watch “Young Frankenstein”.
Jack-O, the semi-inebriated, good-enough-for-gub’mint-work Official Port Swiller Lantern for 2016
Meet Jack-O. As ol’ Robbo has mentioned here many times before, he is rigidly orthodox when it comes to carving pun’kins. Triangles for eyes and nose. Period. Mouth? Well, the number of teeth Jack-O winds up with is pretty much a function of my patience. The Mothe wanted me to do fangs this year, but I settled on blunts. On the other hand, I put in rayther more than I usually do, so there’s that. (Pro Tip: a flathead screwdriver does very nicely in small areas if you can’t find your Exacto knife.) These fancy-shmancy carving “kits”? Feh.
Now, want to see something really scary, huh kids? Via the College Fix comes the University of Texas’ 29-point checklist on offensive costumes. I know this is a trend in many schools around the country this year, but I picked UT in part because Mrs. Robbo brought this particular article to my attention, and in part because this is Texas fer cryin’ out loud!
You can go read the pamphlet itself, but the CF article summarizes the general idea:
“Have we consulted with ‘experts?’ Is it educational?” the guide advises students in the event they decide to portray a culture. Such “experts” include “community leaders or faculty.”
Students should also be careful to avoid “utilizing generic store-bought costumes” that may not be fully “authentic” if the theme is cultural, the guide says. It suggests hosting a “non-social event” if students want to “educate” each other about a culture.
It lists 11 separate “harmful” themes, including any “generalized representation” of Asian culture or “Indigenous” cultures, such as “Cowboys and Indians,” as well as “tropical” or “fiesta.”
The guide provides mixed messages when it comes to cultures associated with white people. “Harmful” themes include “Golf Pros & Tennis Hoes,” “Trailer Trash” and “Chicks and Hicks,” but the guide approvingly cites “Catalina Yacht Mixer or ‘Preppy’” in a section on suggested themes that also includes “Rep Your Favorite Team” and “Alphabet Theme.”
(Ya know, by any traditional meaning of the term, ol’ Robbo is a “Preppy”. Just who the hell do these people think they are, encouraging my personal subculture to be appropriated?)
By the time you get finished tap-dancing through this minefield, what the hell is the point anymore? And if some Socialist Juicebox Wanker decides they want to come gunning for you anyway, they’ll find some source of outrage, even if you’re just standing there in a bedsheet with a couple eyes cut out of it.
What a stupid, stupid time to be alive.
(Twenty-mumble years ago when I was in law school, I went to three different Halloween parties. The first year, I went as Judge Learned Hand, my costume being a black robe and a cardboard hand cutout on my head. (That’s a 1L geek joke, btw.) Third year, Mrs. Robbo and I went as the Miser Brothers. (Won Best Couples Costume, IIRC.) Second year? I went in a costume that would guarantee me a one-way ticket to the camps if I wore it today. Nobody back then said a single thing other than, “Who is that?”)
“Intruder alert! Intruder alert!”
UPDATE: As of about 9:30 pm, ol’ Robbo is about to go out and extinguish Jack’s candle and call it an evening. So far as I heard, we only had one trick-or-treater tonight. Geographically speaking, we’re a neighborhood outlier (or, as I like to put it, on the wrong side of the tracks), and nobody has ever bothered to come round here who doesn’t actually live on our street. Over the past couple years, most of the kids in our immediate vicinity have, like our own brood, got too old for door-to-door Halloween, and our sole visitor was a little girl who just moved in a couple months ago. Just as well, as our idiot dog Daisy the Derp, easily the most stupid dog I have ever owned, has become increasingly cranky about unauthorized people, animals, and noises, and it took me about 20 minutes to calm her down after this one encounter.
UPDATE DEUX: I mentioned above my plan to watch “Young Frankenstein” this evening. Didn’t actually happen. Instead, I found myself catching bits of “The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horrors” marathon on FFX. Eh. The episodes I watched were from fairly recent seasons. Fact of the matter is that the franchise isn’t nearly as funny as it was, oh, 15 years ago. Nonetheless, it can still produce a quality zinger every now and again.
Anyhoo, I bring this up because one of the skits was a tribute to Hitchcock and used what is easily my favorite theme from all of his movies, the one to “North By Northwest”. Enjoy!
UPDATE TROIS: Okay, as long as I’m at it, a gratuitous foundation to my “Really scary, huh kids?” reference above. Either you know SCTV or you don’t: