Jack, the Rigidly-Orthodox Port Swiller Pumpkin, On Post And Ready
Greetings, my fellow port swillers and happy Halloween!
Shot: In case you missed it, the Energy Department says that jack-o-lanterns cause Globull Warmeninz:
Most of the 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins produced in the U.S. end up in the trash, says the Energy Department’s website, becoming part of the “more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste (MSW) produced in the United States every year.”
Municipal solid waste decomposes into methane, “a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide,” Energy says.
The horror! THE HORROR!
As it happens, I still have a fondness for jack-o-lanterns left over from my misspent yoot. (The traditional ones, mind you – triangle eyes and nose, snaggle-toothed mouth. None of this fancy-shmancy pumpkin “art” nonsense.) I love to see them perched on doorsteps, twinkling from afar in the dark. It’s just a thing.
And if it makes Energy sleep better at night, I will note that we don’t throw Jack in the trash after his gig is over. Instead, we take him out back and try to throw him across the creek and into the woods. About half the time he makes it, smashing apart upon impact. Otherwise, he often hits the face of the bank and rolls down into the creek bed, more often than not ending up looking back up at us with something like reproach on his face. We call this “giving Jack the cliff”.
“If there’s a gray line, it’s always best to stay away from it,” said Mitchell Chen, 21, a microbiology major and director of diversity efforts at the Associated Students of the University of Washington. The university emailed to all students this week a six-minute video of what not to do for Halloween.
There has already been one major cultural collision this week that fanned the flames: On Thursday, the University of Louisville in Kentucky apologized to the school’s Latinos after its president, James R. Ramsey, was photographed wearing stereotypical Mexican attire at a Halloween party for staff members on Wednesday. In a picture posted online, Mr. Ramsey wore a sombrero and fringed poncho and stood next to university workers who were dressed as members of a mariachi band, with sombreros, maracas and fake mustaches.
What a stupid time to be alive. Thank you, Mr. Rogers. Thank you so bloody much.
UPDATE: Good Godfrey Daniel! Ol’ Robbo simply hadn’t contemplated the ramifications of Halloween falling on a Saturday this year. I went in my innocence to Total Bev late in the afternoon to stock up on plonk and the place was an absolute zoo. Now, you may call me stuffy if you wish (which you probably already do), but I don’t think much of adult Halloween parties, which seem to be becoming more and more popular. May as well just call them orgies and be done with it.
Jack, Hors De Combat
UPDATE DEUX: For the benefit of the Captain and others who may be interested: No, he didn’t make it. Hit the lip and rolled back into the drink. In my defense, I re-aggrevated the tendonitis in my elbow yesterday by doing yardwork without a brace and can’t heave as well as I might have done. Oh, well.
5 comments
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November 1, 2015 at 8:59 am
captainned
So, did Jack clear the creek this year?
November 2, 2015 at 3:37 pm
nightfly
From the “Questions I Never Get a Good Answer To” file – why is it that all these diversity programs produce less and less diversity, and more and more stuff that isn’t allowed?
November 3, 2015 at 9:53 pm
Robbo
Nightfly, Nightfly…..surely you are aware of Orwellian doublespeak! The fraud became immediately aware to me the instant I first ventured into politicks back in the 6th grade.
November 5, 2015 at 8:57 am
the gripping hand
Isn’t that creek now part of the “waters of the USA?” I believe the EPA wants a word with you, sir…
November 7, 2015 at 12:12 pm
Robbo
That creek is known in official circles as “an unnamed tributary of Bull Neck Run”. The woods behind Port Swiller Manor through which it flows are county property zoned for an elementary school that never got built and never will. Every few years, some developer comes in and tries to get them rezoned so he can put up moar McMansions. To date, every time they’ve tried, the neighborhood has organized and chased them off. My comfort is that if somebody ever DOES manage to flip the land use, that creek and its tangle of EPA regs will keep them from getting anywhere near my back fence.