Greetings, my fellow port swillers, and happy Labor Irony Day!

Ol’ Robbo thinks little of this particular holiday.  On the one hand, although I am willing to admit the argument that the Labor Movement served a useful and humane role in the early days of industrialization, these days unions are nothing more that wretched hives of scum and villainy.  (As to the matter of honest and honorable labor itself, I prefer to ask St. Joseph the Worker to pray for us.)  On the other, despite the name, ol’ Robbo doesn’t plan to do a damned thing today except lie back and listen to the sweet, sweet lamentations of his women-folk over having to go back to school tomorrow.

In the meantime, here’s some News You Can Use:  Uncle Sam’s Big Brother’s tips on roasting marshmallows.  Yes, your betters have been doing some extensive research into this topic.  Not only are they amazed that you cretins haven’t let your children go up in flames from standing too close to the fire, they’ve also determined that you’re placing an undue burden on the health care system by poisoning yourselves with s’mores.  Changes will be made at once!

[T]here are some innovative ways to roast the little white treats that can help cut down on the amount of sugar intake by the kids, thus making bedtime a little more doable.

Think fruit.

Even if the kids – including us older ones – insist on more traditional s’mores, there are some healthy tricks. Grill thin slices of pineapple and substitute chocolate for the sweet, warm fruit. You will still get a tasty treat but by substituting with fruit, it is healthier – as long as you watch the amount of marshmallows used. If you want to cut down even more on calories, try using slices of angel food cake instead of graham crackers.

You can also get a little inventive and move away from s’mores.

Grab a small bag of chocolate or peanut butter chips – or a combination of the two. Take a banana and slice one side open, exposing the fruit but leaving the peel intact. Slice the banana, add a few chocolate chips then top with tiny marshmallows. Or substitute the chips for blueberries from the local farmer’s market. Place the banana in aluminum foil and wrap tightly. Place the foil-wrapped fruit next to but not on the flames. Wait five to 10 minutes or enough time for the chips and marshmallows to melt. Open and enjoy with a spoon.

Your tax money at work.  (Apart from everything else, ol’ Robbo can’t help noting that the author of this piece appears not to understand the proper use of the word “substitute”.  Nor does she seem to know the difference between “amount” and “number”.  And in going for extra credit with the gratuitous plug for local farmers’ markets, I would suggest she misplaced the apostrophe, since one must assume more than one farmer would be selling there.  But never mind.)

My advice to friends of the decanter is to print out this article.  Learn it. Live it.  Why? Well, remember that the Forest Service is as heavily weaponized as most other gub’mint agencies these days.  Failure to adhere to these, ah, suggestions might very well get you an armored personnel carrier crashing into your campsite.  Remember, it’s all for your own good.