I see where the Professional Hectoring Class has a new scare to monger today:  The dread moonbounce:

Bounce houses, castles, moonwalks and other inflatable bouncers are injuring U.S. children at “alarming” rates, according to a new study.

Months after Pediatricians sounded the alarm on trampoline injuries, a study from the Nov. 26 issue of Pediatrics shows that the number of injuries from bouncy castles and similar party fare has climbed 15-fold since 1995, causing more than 5 injuries per every 100,000 American children.

“The medical and public health community has yet to provide recommendations on the safe use of inflatable bouncers,” study author Dr. Gary A. Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children’s Hospital, who is also a professor of Pediatrics at The Ohio State University College of Medicine, said in a written statement. “The growing epidemic of inflatable bouncer injuries make it clear that it is time to do so.”

Oh. My. God.  5 out of 100K?  That’s a .005% chance that little Geoffrey or Kaitlin is going to get a boo-boo!  How can we call ourselves Americans if we let this wholesale (let’s call it what it is, my friends) child abuse last one single second longer?

It’s obvious that there’s only one course of action.  Bouncy design will be subject to strict DHHS regulation.  Private bouncy rental is to be verboten.  Only approved bouncies located at properly monitored facilities with properly trained supervisory staff will be allowed.  Kids must be padded top to bottom when on the bouncy (a football-style helmet is, of course, de rigueur here) and harnessed to a roof hook that will prevent falling.  Only one child on the bouncy at any one time, with all other potential users kept back at least 50 yards.  No child on a bouncy without first completing a six month safety training and certification process for both the child and at least one “legal guardian”.  (This includes background check and proof of liability and health insurance, and will also involve an administrative licensing fee.)

Oh, and children will not be allowed to actually bounce.  They must instead stand sit very quietly and make no sudden movements.

Cor lumme, stone the crows.

I could insert the obligatory “when I was a kid….” line here, except I don’t want to accidentally inform the Mothe of some damned fool stunt from my misspent yoot about which she doesn’t know already.   I could also note that when the gels were in their moonbounce mania phase, it seemed there was hardly ever a time when one of them didn’t get banged up.  Somehow or other, they always managed to shake it off and plunge back into the fray.  Go figure.

Amusingly, the article actually slips away from orthodoxy a little farther down:

“Because children are the end users and because companies typically do not provide the supervision on rented inflatable bouncers, the burden of safety falls ultimately on the parents’ shoulders,” Dr. Tigran Avoian, an orthopedic surgeon at Los Angeles Orthopaedic Hospital who was not involved in the research, told HealthDay. He said bouncers can be fun and safe when used properly. “Parents should be familiar with the risks and dangers and should receive proper supervision instruction.”

Parents ought to be the ones responsible for keeping the kiddies’ knocks to a minimum?  What a concept!  No doubt there are memos flying about Fearmonger HQ to the effect of, “Tonight Dr. Avoian sleeps wid’ da fishes.”