Greetings, my fellow port swillers!

Ol’ Robbo finds himself in a bit of a seethe today because he got tagged by a flag-waiving, knuckle-dragging, officious P.E. coach-type person for his practice of making left-hand turns out of the driveway of Barbarian High (“Home of the Fightin’ Jutes”) when dropping off the eldest gel of a morning.  It saves me the bother of having to turn right, travel back up the street to the nearest light, turn into a side street and basically box-haul the Wrangler around to get her headed in the proper direction again.  Although the school sits on a pretty heavily-traveled road, we usually get there before the volume picks up too much and I only take this shortcut when the lanes are absolutely clear in both directions.

The fellah, who was a dead ringer for Larry Mittleman, ghosted up out of the darkness, demanded that I roll down the window and said with positive menace in his voice, “For your safety and the safety of the children, we ask that you turn to the right when exiting.”  Jeesh! Give a guy a flag and a fist-full of traffic cones and he suddenly thinks he’s freakin’ Patton directing armored columns across the French countryside.

In fact, it’s a debatable point whether, when there’s no actual traffic,  having to head back unnecessarily in the wrong direction and bang a u-turn is safer than just skootching out of the area quam celereme.  However, I’m willing to swallow the affront to my common sense and let the point go.  What I actually found irksome was that “for the children” line, the use of which scrapes across my soul like iron fingernails on a blackboard.  So evocative of Mr. Rogers, She Who Must Not Be Named, the bubble-wrapping of young people today and all the very worst excesses of Nanny Statism.   We hates it!

Indeed, when I become Emperor of the World, use of that expression will constitute a flogging offense.

Anyhoo, fighting back a momentary wild urge to say, “Oh, yeah? Well the Jerk Store called and they’re out of you!”, I simply smiled icily and said, “Understood.”

And I meant it to sting.