Greetings, my fellow port swillers!

I must confess to experiencing a certain sense of schadenfreude when I read nooz stories about the European Union, um, going down the loo.   And that sense rises to a level of raucous derision when I read stories like this one:  Prunes Are Not A Laxative, Rules EU.

It comes after the organisation was mocked last month a ruling that led to a ban on claims that drinking water can prevent dehydration.

Despite a long held belief that prunes, traditionally served with custard, are good for improving bowel function, the European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) has ruled this is not the case.

Its experts said there was “insufficient” evidence of a link between the dried plums and normal bowel function after looking at three studies of prune consumption.

Sir Graham Watson MEP has now challenged an EU Commissioner to a prune-eating contest after his food safety committee ruled that prunes do not have a laxative effect.

Sir Graham, the Liberal Democrat member for South West England and Gibraltar, raised the issue in Strasbourg after the EU refused to recognise the high fibre content of fruits like pomegranates, berries and prunes.

“The European Commission’s advisory panel which does this work has rejected 95 per cent of claims for plant-based foods, maybe in many cases with good reason, but among the claims rejected is the claim that prunes have a laxative effect,” he said.

“I have asked the Commission if it is satisfied with the criteria and the methodology used for testing such claims because I know that prunes contain two substances sorbitol and dihydrophenylisatin, which have laxative effects. But most of our constituents do not require a scientific test.

“I have also invited the Commissioner responsible for health and consumer policy, John Dalli, to a prune eating contest to see for himself.”

Last February, an EFSA paper reported: “The Panel concludes that the evidence provided is insufficient to establish a cause and effect relationship between the consumption of dried plums of ‘prune’ cultivars (Prunus domestica L.) and maintenance of normal bowel function.

The authority had been asked to investigate claims that prunes ensure healthy digestion and bowel function.

In two studies, it was claimed there was no significant difference to participants after eating prunes.

Sir Graham added: “Consumer advice and food labelling is an important aspect of the single market. Having one set of clear guidelines on nutritional advice across 27 countries improves efficiency, saves taxpayer’s money and brings an even playing field to food manufacturers.”

Hence the metaphor in my introduction.

So here we are at the end of the appalling pan-European socialist experiment.  Brussels, figuratively speaking (at least for now), is burning.  And what are the mandarins squabbling about? Whether prunes really help with plop-plops.

Little -known historickal fact:  When Odoacer the Barbarian wrested control of the Western Roman Empire from Romulus Augustulus in 476 A.D., he was able to do so because the Praetorian Guard were distracted by a debate over whether dates had a genuine laxative effect.  True!