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My favorite part about the current miasmatic heat wave? Pinpoint knowledge of how long it’s been since everyone near me last bathed.

Of course, I’m hardly a bouquet of roses myself.  I may say that the past couple days, by the time I’ve arrived home at the port-swiller residence I have been consumed by a strong desire to burn all my clothes and throw myself into a large tub of vinegar.

Yesterday afternoon, after dropping off the gels to see Toy Story 3 (which they loved), Mrs. R betook herself to the cinema next door in order to indulge in the latest Veggie Vampire movie.

At dinner last evening, Mrs. R attempted to explain the plot of said V² movie to me.  So far as I understand it – and I readily admit that I probably do not – the protagonist couple, Edward the Veggie and Whatshername, have somehow managed to get their relationship thoroughly entangled in a Gordian knot of complications.  He wants to marry her, but if he does so, he’ll kill her unless she becomes a vampire, which he doesn’t want her to do.  She wants to become a vampire, but doesn’t want to unless he marries her first.  Or maybe she wants to become a vampire first and then have him marry her second.  I can’t remember.  Apparently, bad things happen no matter what order these go in, and she’s trying to get him to promise to do things one way while he’s trying to get her to promise to do them the other way.  Or maybe not at all.  Also, there seems to be an issue as to just how she becomes a vampire.  If he makes her one, something bad might happen.  But if somebody else does, well, that adds a third wheel to the relationship, so to speak.  Oh, and he wants her to go to college first.  But she doesn’t want to.  Or maybe she doesn’t want to go unless they’re married first, which they can’t do unless she’s already a vampire by whatever means.  But he doesn’t want her to be a vampire in college.  Or something.  Oh, and she won’t marry him unless they have children, which he doesn’t especially want, or maybe which he wants but doesn’t want to be vampires themselves, which can’t happen if she’s already a vampire but which they can’t do until she becomes a vampire, which has to happen before they get married.  Or, as I say, maybe after.

Oh, and apparently Whatshername is only 18.  And her father doesn’t seem to have any problem with any of these plans.  (Probably because he doesn’t understand them any better than I do.)

One wonders whether the undead get migraines.  I know I did.  The only thing I actually took away from this explanation was the self-evident truth that this whole, convoluted story was obviously written by a woman, and a not especially mature one at that.   A real vampire, a man’s vampire, would have sunk his fangs into the heroine’s neck straight away without these apparently endless hours of insane relationship jibber-jabber.

Or, as George Hamilton’s vampire put it in Love At First Bite, “Cheeldren of de night! Shut up!”

I’ve seen a number of posts and articles in recent days comparing the present situation of the United States with that of the Western Roman Empire of the early 5th Century, most of them concluding that we’re doomed.  Doooooomed!

Frankly, I think this is a lot of nonsense.

For one thing, this kind of thinking smacks of an “all civilizations eventually collapse” fatalism which I refuse to accept.

For another, while there may well be some very broad social, economic, political or military parallels, we’re still talking about some serious apples and oranges here.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, where are the naked orgies?  Nobody’s invited me to a naked orgy.  Until I have first-hand evidence of naked orgies, I’m simply not buying it.


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July 2010