And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time to play “Which Fry Said That: Stephen or Philip?”

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.”

“Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.”


“It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus.  All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV.  But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?”

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”

“I never told anybody this but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just never had the grades. Nor the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me.”

”’I love you’ too conventional, ‘You’re my man’  Ooh, so close!”

‘Take that one, and that one.  This sentence I don’t understand, but take this one.”

“Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.”

‘The Breakfast Club soundtrack. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to feel ways about stuff.”

“Oh, it takes a lot for me to walk out of a film.”

‘Thinking hurts him.  Maybe I can think of a way to use that.”

“I get an urge, like a pregnant elephant, to go away and give birth to a book.”

“There.  Now he’s trapped in a book *I* wrote.  A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.”

“I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.”

“Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once.  It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully. Temperance is wickedness.”

“Did everything just taste purple?”

“I don’t watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.”

“But existing is practically all I do!”

(*Update:  Whoops! Forgot to put in the stupid punch line.  My bad.)