I was intrigued and, frankly, a bit surprised at some of the responses to my last post, particularly those focusing on the social aspect of kitchen-centric entertaining. In particular, I didn’t expect the negative reaction to my dislike of blanket informality in the modern age.
But there it is. The times, they are a’changin. Kathy probably put her finger on it best when she remarked:
My mother was like you: the door was shut, things were done, and she made it all look effortless. No one dared to enter her kitchen when she was preparing dinner for a party. The only time I ever remember handing over her kitchen was when my aunt died, and it was shocking. I tried to follow in her footsteps, but my guests weren’t having it. Standards have simply changed, and while I can only speak for myself, I think people are somewhat uncomfortable with the thought of being waited upon. They want to help. In the spirit of giving my guests what they want, I let them.
Yes, I realize more and more that I have inherited a sense of propriety that is probably forty years out of date and also somewhat class- and geographically-centric. It is interesting that I get on very easily with many of my more elder acquaitances such at the Mothe’s friends, but that most younger folk (including a number of members of my immediate and extended family) consider me to be cold, stuffy, aloof and, not to put too fine a point on it, extremely strange.
Well, leopards and spots, you know. On the other hand, I suppose one could also say “When in Rome.” It’s a perpetual struggle, trying to hang on to time-honored standards and traditions while attempting to accommodate current trends and fads. Come to think of it, I guess that’s what this blog – with its theme and tag-line – is all about.
The Port Stands At Your Elbow 
5 comments
Comments feed for this article
August 26, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Sister
I hope you are not counting me among the members of your immediate family who consider you strange. Well, not about this sort of thing anyway.
We both learned at the Mothe’s knee and I’ve tended to do things the same way, ie spoil the dickens out of my guests, have all work done ahead of time, make it all seem effortless and done by fairies. That’s my preferred way to do things. I don’t want someone hearing me swearing like a sailor while I’m sweating over my stove and trying not to trip over children or animals. Also, I do some pretty serious cooking which means two things: at least a day ahead of prep work (not including preparing the dining room), and concentration while cooking, not whittering on to someone while I press “popcorn” on the microwave three times. I truly enjoy taking very good care of people…. BUT, surprisingly to me, I have found that this really puts people off and makes them uncomfortable. People don’t like being pampered and waited on. It’s mystifying to me.
I’ve come to the conclusion, after many years of clearly startling people, that if the whole purpose of good manners is to make everyone feel at ease, then it is not good manners on my part to hang on to a way of living that no longer exists. And, sadly, it no longer exists. I may not like how things are now, but I’m not going to make anyone happy, including myself, by refusing to get along and confusing and upsetting people. So I’ve take the “when in Rome” stance. I still have to be hosed down sometimes, but it makes my guests feel happier and more comfy. The good news is that it frequently gets me out of doing the dishes, and I never mind that.
Now don’t go saying “if everyone jumped off a cliff…”.
And if anyone deserves a whizzo fabu kitchen, it is self. The Mothe taught me so well that, in addition to being an incredible cook if I do say so myself, I can’t bear to eat anything that doesn’t take at least a couple of hours to prepare. Not worth it. I am longing for a 6 burner, gas, double oven range, and when I have it, it will be very very well used. Donations accepted.
August 27, 2009 at 2:21 am
Robbo
Oh, of course not. Indeed, I figgah that if anyone understands, it’s probably you.
Here’s the punchline, though: All these years I have been considered to be a dweeb, a dork, a nerd and the like. But I am no great distance from the age of 45, and with the added powah of age, pretty soon the same people are going to start considering me an Eccentric. What was once radioactive will suddenly turn to gold, Jerry, gold!.
Happy is the fellah who can live the second half of his life happier than the first half.
August 27, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Sister
I will admit you were a total geek up until college. Then you blossomed, but you didn’t seem to realize it. I don’t think you have had dork stamped all over you since about 1986. I have to say that Wesleyan and crew were the best things that ever happened to you, strange as that sounds. That and getting out from under the pa’s thumb. So I think you’ve been living with this gold for far longer than you realize. Me on the other hand – people have been calling me eccentric since I don’t know when. I don’t worry about it because I’m the introvert. You (and my children) are the extroverts so it seems to matter quite a lot to you. Rest assured that those days have been gone for a LOOOOOOONG time. I’d tell you, you know that.
You eccentric, you.
August 27, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Sister
PS I’d also much rather spend the second half of my life happier than the first. I’m glad that I didn’t hit my peak at 14 like some people we are both pretty familiar with from days gone by. You know you are a Real Grown Up when you totally understand the saying “Youth is wasted on the young.” Give me today and going forward any day. ‘Cause frankly dat’s what dere is.
August 29, 2009 at 2:40 am
Jordana
I think one of the problems nowadays is not just modern informality, but that no one entertains at all. We have people over all the time, both for formal and informal get togethers, but it is very rare to get an invitation in return. People just don’t want to invite others over to their homes. Dinner parties are a thing of the past and luncheons and teas are right out the window.