Much to Mrs. R’s intense annoyance, I have managed to transmogrify Edward Cullen of the Vampire book series into a favorite new dinner-time character, known to me as “Edward the Metro-Sexual Vampire” and to the gels as “Edward the Veggie-Vampire”.
Among us, we have started a narrative to reflect Edward’s hip, enlightened, 21st Century brand of caring vampirism. To date, we have come up with the following personality points:
1. He drives a Volvo with a “Have You Hugged Your Bat Today?” bumper-sticker.
2. He is repulsed by garlic, wooden stakes and people who don’t separate out their plastics and glass.
3. He gives money to Greenpeace.
4. He refuses to bite any victim that isn’t certified free-range, organically grown and hormone-free.
5. His coffin latte-machine is geothermal-powered.
The tale, as Prof. Tolkien might have said, keeps growing in the telling. The gels think this is all wildly hilarious. I find it quite amusing, too.
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January 5, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Mrs. Peperium
So tell me, when do you plan to break it to the gels (and their mother) the metro vamp is enrolled in a Episcopal Seminary?
January 5, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Robbo
Probably the night I decide that I’m going to sleep in the basement anyway.
January 5, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Mrs. Peperium
Heh..
Hey, can you email me? Just before Christmas our computer had another nervous breakdown and it consumed everything. Even my address book. This is why you haven’t heard from me in ages and ages – not that you’ve been complaining about that, I see….
January 5, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Robbo
Done and done. Please let me know if you receive it.
(And as for my lack of protest at your absence, just keep in mind that this is the first time I’ve been anywhere near a computer in about three weeks!)
January 5, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Mrs. Peperium
Got it. Return communication has been sent. Remember you must consume it after you have memorized it.
January 6, 2009 at 4:42 am
The Abbot
The last thing you smell before the teeth dig in to your neck is the smell of THe Body Shop mango-infused organic skin moisturizer.
January 6, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Robbo
And he has to schedule all his pilates classes and full-body waxings for the evening to avoid sunlight exposure.
January 6, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Mrs. Peperium
Ah…now I get the metrosexualization of vampires…
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23612579-details/Vicar+removes+%27scary%27+cross+from+his+church/article.do
When I was 15 I saw the Brodaway porduction featuring Frank Languella playing Dracula as Dracula on an Edward Gorey designed stage.
All I can say is I walked out of that theater thinking there are worse fates in this world than having Dracula land on your window sill…
January 7, 2009 at 12:35 am
Kathy
4. He refuses to bite any victim that isn’t certified free-range, organically grown and hormone-free.
This made me laugh more than the others, because if you’d read the books, you’d know that Edward is quite fond of fresh, free range, hormone free mountain lion.
January 7, 2009 at 12:39 am
Kathy
Also, like Nancy Pelosi, he pays three hundred bucks a pop for his color job.
I wonder how long it lasts. 😉
Also, Mrs. P., right there with you about Frank Langella. He makes a damn sexy Dracula.
January 7, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Robbo
See? SEE? It’s funny because it’s true!